October 31, 2011

I feel like a gain I had this team training would be the ability not to fixate on my separation from Delsie or even compare my partnership with her to Barkley. I am trying my best to cherish this time I have with him and trust that Delsie is having a great time keeping my dad company. I do miss her tons but compared to how I felt the beginning of team training until now is a significant gain. The other tool I have learned to refine in my partnership with Delsie has been that of patience, praise and persistence. Three "p" words that have helped me during this team training with Barkley. These words also apply to the area in which I need to focus on with Barkley. He is very strong willed when it comes to retrieving. I need to consistently work with him on this and remind myself that one day he will cave and actually retrieve something for me.

October 30, 2011

Okay, so it seems that I don't have to go back home today. My mom is slept in a little longer and fed me in her pajamas. Mata was still in bed when I ate, too. Strange. All I hear is people talking about snow. I think I love the stuff so I don't know why everyone is freaking about it. My mom told me that I was going to meet TJ today- I guess he's coming to the movies with us. That white stuff came and so did TJ- not sure why he won't pet me. I would love to give him some lovin'- I can tell my mom is excited to spent some time with him. We loaded up in the van and dropped Mata off at a huge store while TJ and my mom made me sit under a table while they ate. We went back to that store and we met Mata and walked around. Everyone was staring at me and talking to my mom about me. It seemed like someone even called me Nelson so I just ignored him. We went back "home" (the other place I'm staying) and we all fell asleep. I am so tired. TJ must be too cuz he was snoring. My mom fed me and we relaxed some more. It doesn't look like we're going to the movies. I went with them to another place that I had to go under the table while they ate again-they eat a lot. They kept talking about the weather while that snow kept falling to the ground. TJ left and my mom and I played and cuddled before we went to bed. It was a fun, relaxing day.

October 28, 2011

This is a no brainer. The most challenging aspect of the trip to the zoo was the 50 million kids who were there. Not because they were bothering Barkley but because they were bothering me. I seriously do not remember the first half of the zoo. It was next to impossible to looks at the animals, let alone navigate through the LOUD kids. It was insane. I shut down way before Barkley did. As a matter of fact, he did great with the madness. During the reptile & amphibian house, he just plopped down to take a nap when I stopped in front of the snake. He seemed quite laid back until we got to the otters. He was beside himself. I had a death grip on his leash as he wanted more than anything to join their play. From that point on, Barkley came alive. When we arrived at a statue of a bear with water coming out of its nose, Barkley lost his mind. He couldn't figure it out even after Eric's attempt to persuade him that it wasn't alive. Another statue later on in the zoo caught his attention as well. There was no turning back - he was a bit spastic from that statue on...

after the kids left the zoo, the experience was entirely different. I actually enjoyed it. And I think Barkley did too.

October 27, 2011

Barkley is snoring at my feet and all I can think about is going to bed. I am exhausted. CPL's follow up is phenomenal. Even though I am far from PA I am confident in their ability to make me feel connected and totally supported. I know they will return my phone calls or emails no matter what my questions or concerns are. Darlene's advice of completing the follow up right away is a smart one. I was challenged after todays lecture to constantly work on Barkley's service skills and to try to introduce new things. I am more eager to work on obedience during class as I have sat through the lectures before.

The follow up here sets them apart from other organizations. Just another reason why I am biased when it comes to CPL.

October 26, 2011

When I began the search to find a service dog I seriously had no clue what I was looking for. I am so very grateful that the end of my search was found at CPL. I am so blessed to be a graduate. I can't say enough about the organization. After getting rejected by Paws With a Cause and CII, I am thrilled that I have been trained and still trained by CPL. After going through the interview process with all three organizations, I can honestly say that CPL blows the others out of the water. I am in awe, even the second time around, with the professionalism. From the volunteers who provide lunch to the CEO of CPL. It is top notch. Not to mention the knowledge of training service dogs is superb!

This week I have been able to see more of Barkley's personality come out. He is totally testing me with retrieval. I don't want him to think he is fooling me. I am confident we will break through this.

It was a good trip to the pumpkin patch- it seemed Barkley could have cared less about the hayride. His excitement was overwhelming.

October 25, 2011

It is hard to imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have this disability. As much as I hate thinking of myself as disabled, I love who it created in me. It is true, I fight against the fact that there are some things I am not able to do but I embrace the challenges it brings. If there is a will, there is a way. Because of this outlook in my life as someone who is disabled, I will figure out a way to do something that many may think I may not be able to do.

I always joke that I will be sprinting in heaven. But because of those before me who have fought the fight of equal rights covered by the ADA, there isn't anything that I can't do and really want to do it.

Looking back over my goal when team training just started, I wanted to focus on Barkley and our partnership without comparing him to Delsie. Each day is a litter better as I have begun to see his personality a little more. Other than referring to he as she and commanding him with the name Delsie, I am starting to see Barkley.

I am grateful for this time I have with him. As much as I miss Delsie, I cherish this bonding time with Barkley. Doing the stairs with him today reminds me of the confidence and independence he will bring to my life.

I am determined to have him help me fight this disability.

October 24, 2011

I am heeding Darlene's advice when she told me to view this time with Delsie and Barkley as a gift. That being said, I am having difficulty communicating the reality of this entry. Knowing that the end of my partnership with Delsie has ended. Yet, the new relationship with Barkley has begun. I want to enjoy it and not have any regrets. Is that possible? So many questions. Tons of unknowns. A bit of apprehension and a lot of anxiety.

This is when the words of Darlene echo in my head, "enjoy this time", "view it as a gift", "every recipient and dog are different". I need to just relax and dive into it and know it may be harry for awhile but we'll figure it out. I will choose to relish in the time I have with D and Barkley.

Death is inevitable. The grief process is hard. It comes like a tidal wave. I have already begun to grieve this loss and know it probably will never end. It will just be different.

I didn't think it would be like this. Nothing in my life has turned out the way I thought it would, for that matter. But that doesn't mean it's not good. Just different.

Yet I will make a choice to live for the moment-the here and now- that's all I can do. It's a gift.

October 23, 2011

Today was graduate support class. Even though there were a ton of people there, it didn't stress me out. I was somewhat prepared as I remember how overwhelmed I was 10 years ago. Part of it was also due to the fact that I was disappointed in my frustration level yesterday and did not to repeat that behavior for Barkley. I believe he was able to do well today because of it. He did a touch, go pay, tug and take it willingly and we both had fun in the process.
The negative thing that stuck out to me with the graduates seem to be the lack of praise to their partner. It was almost as if they expected their stellar job without praise. Not all the teams did this-just a small observation. Maybe because I feel as though this is an area that I am determined to improve in my partnership with Barkley.
I noticed the bond that each of the graduates had with their dogs. This is something that I can't wait to have with Barkley. It was so evident that with each of the teams, the bond has happened. I know this will take time and a commitment on my part.
We ended our day with playtime and it was so much fun to see Barkley have fun with the other dogs. I LOVED that he came when I called him-something Delsie wasn't so good at- and yes, I praised him with treats.

October 22, 2011

Barkley and I didn't click today and it feels as if we both shut down. I don't blame him- I didn't have it in me-nor did he. Part of that is stressing out in what appears to be competitive spirit- I tend to check out.

I allow myself to compare how much Delsie knew and sometimes expect that out of Barkley and that isn't fair- to her or me.

My friends and family are more than supportive with having a service dog. In fact, a friend of mine said to me before I left, "well, I'll talk to you in 6 months."

I hated going anywhere without D as she was getting use to retirement. I felt naked without her as if a piece of me was missing.

I am blessed with an awesome support network of family and friends and live in a very encouraging community.

I was concerned about my counseling practice and how Delsie would effect the sessions. She honestly has made it better-she is a huge asset.

The photo above is a great example of how we are loved. Barkley has no clue how many people love him already.

October 21, 2011

"Home" sweet "home". Nothing sweeter. Well, maybe having a black lab resting on my feet while I enter thin entry in my journal. It is crazy to think that Barkley will never be out of my sight. It feels good to be at this point-knowing how a dog can change my life. And the hope that Barkley will do just that. I fluctuate in my feelings when it comes to starting my life with him. I find myself remembering the first time around and empathize with my classmates. It is so overwhelming. And then I toss all my compassion aside and focus on how I am feeling. I grieved slowly the loss of Delsie as a service dog as she no longer had it in her physically. I grew with the strange feeling of not having her with me out in public or at work. I hated it. A part of me was missing. And now, here lays another dog who has no idea who I am, at my feet, to begin a new life together. I wanted to break free from the group today as we shopped at the strip mall. Those feelings of one minute stressing out for my classmates and then another minute focusing on the dynamic of doing this before and knowing there is life after team training. Shopping won't seem like such a big deal and my partnership with Barkley will only grow.

As we were shopping today, I confess that I stalked the mall walker to eaves drop on my classmates to see how they would handle the questions he asked relentlessly. I have to admit, they did a stellar job. When he confronted me, I was tempted to blow his cover but instead went along with it-answering the bazillion questions I tend to answer on a daily basis for the last 10 years- he did a great job.

On the way to the strip mall, Barkley slipped out of his harness. Impressive. I have no clue how he did it.

I have a feeling he is going to keep me on my toes.

October 20, 2011

Dropping Barkley off for the night after day #5 of team training, it finally hit me that this was the last time I had to leave him at the kennel. Tomorrow night I will begin my life with him forever! I am ready to begin our partnership together. I have to admit, being back here at CPL has made me second guess my ability to maintain a successful working relationship with Barkley. Many of my fears have crept back in when I think of returning home and not remembering the things that have been taught. I also remember as I listen to my classmates ask questions that you THINK are a huge deal, only to look back 10 years later and know CPL has trained us well. The huge things are small and life becomes somewhat easy.
I know that Barkley is not Delsie but I also know that I will be continually challenged figuring out the differences. Does he love the water? Delsie hated it? Will Barkley wonder at night? Delsie always stayed by my side. Will he play with other dogs? Delsie wasn't very social. How about barking? Does he hate fireworks and thunderstorms? My pretty girl didn't flinch. Delsie was a phenomenal traveler. She was so patient with me and this dumb disability. She helped me walk. All in all, she gave me life.
So yea, I am anxious to bring Barkley home, I know the huge concerns will seem small. I am ready to bond with him and grow into a team that will make CPL proud.

October 19, 2011

It is difficult for me to think of something in my life that has been sacrificed or even difficult because of Delsie. Not to sound full of it but my life has been much more full with her by my side. My motto has always been if there is a will, there is a way...and fortunately, Delsie has adapted to that philosophy. I have been able to do everything that I would have done before her and obviously A LOT more with her a part of me.

The only thing I can think of giving up has been riding on a wave runner. I am totally fine with that since she is ALWAYS there for me and has sacrificed her life. I have declined in offer to go kayaking with a friend as there was no way Delsie could join us. That was no big deal in comparison to the life she has given me!

I love going for rides on a motorcycle. And now, Delsie does too. She even fell asleep on the back roads in Saugatuck, MI. She also has been canoeing with me- not a favorite thing on her list as she does not enjoy the water, but she tolerated it. Roller coasters are out of the question. My neck thanks me for that.

The hardest part of my day is figuring out how to clip all of the leashes when going for a car ride. It is a challenge to be under the pressure to do it all correctly when my life with Delsie was in a routine. I didn't realize how simple it was for me to put Delsie's harness on. With Barkley, it is as if I have never done it before. Delsie did get my every move. I know it will take time with him. My favorite part of the day was feeling a bit "normalcy" again going out to eat on our field trip. Yes, it felt strangely normal as 4 dogs were under one table...very fun to know it can be done. Makes me realize the importance of maintaining Barkley's social skills so we continue to represent CPL well.

October 18, 2011

The pain of missing Delsie seems to be a bit easier today. I don't know if that is because Barkley and I seem to be bonding or I heard from my dad that Delsie is doing fine. She actually is able to climb the stairs and sleeps by him.

Dels and I have so many memories together. We have traveled to flown to CA twice, went on a trip to CO, vacationed in Canada twice, road trips to Chicago too many times to count, flew to FL a ton and camped in MI. Vacations have been nothing but positive with Delsie by my side. Conversations with complete strangers have been so much richer. Even though there are times that I want to be invisible. The confidence she has brought to my life has been amazing. I am willing to take risks and do things that I would have never have done by myself. I LOVE flying but flying with Delsie is the best- not to mention a walking billboard for CPL.

Fortunately, I haven't encountered too many obstacles when traveling with Delsie. She is so go-with-the-flow: from the time security escorted us on the tarmac to do her business while we were flying to CA to sleeping in a jeep when camping, she has done it all. She has been such a trooper- I only hope that Barkley and I will have as much fun together.

As much traveling we have done, you would think I would have a lot of challenges - I don't. Most of the unpleasant situations have been caused by ignorance. Usually, when I kindly educate them, the circumstance is resolved and no damage has been done. A story that will go down in the books is one of my trips when I was flying by myself. The airline always bumps me to the bulk head and bends over backward to make it a pleasant experience for us. On this particular flight there was a mom, dad and young girl seated in the aisle across from me. This man threw a fit and asked the flight attendant why I had a dog on the plane. I wanted him to ask me so I said, "sir, she is my service dog. I have a disability and with her I am able to do things I wouldn't be able to do if she weren't in my life." It was obvious this guy woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning. He wouldn't look at me but loudly said to that flight attendant, "WE ARE NOT FLYING WITH THAT DOG" At this point, his argumentative spirit was holding up the entire plane. The flight attendant must've left and got the costumer rep from the airline...it was quite the scene. I said to the rep that I would move to another seat with Delsie. He said, "You are staying right there" he proceeded to tell the man that I was not moving and that I had the legal rights to fly on the plane and if he wanted too, he would place his family on another flight later that day. When it was settled, a guy in first class came back and said, "Honey, you take my seat." All in all, people are so kind.

And it was so fun sitting in first class...

October 17, 2011

The best part of my day was entering the kennel only to have Barkley greeting me with a smile on his face and perky ears. And yes, dogs do smile. The worst part of my day was greeting Barkley with an exuberant "Hi Buddy!" and then panicking while looking at Deb, who was holding his leash, "wait, that IS Barkley, right?" I hate not knowing him like the back of my hand. I love the comfort Delsie and I have grown to know. A bond. A partnership. It is common to automatically associate this word, partnership, to marriage. Many of us have have attended a union between a guy and a girl where it is typical to declare vows to one another in a room filled with people who support you. Words such as 'for better or for worse' or 'till death do is part' are shared as a promise. Sometimes the word 'obey' is tossed in there for good measure...ahem, Barkley...

No worries- I am not completely nuts- I do realize that I am not marrying Barkley. However, our partnership requires the level of commitment as if I were entering a marriage. I think of the passage in the Bible in Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." And in my world, this passage can be taken literally. I know one wouldn't exist without the other in my definition of the word, partnership. A partnership is a team.

A successful partner would recognize you as you enter the kennel...sorry, Barkley. Your stuck with me as your partner for life. I am eager to begin our life together. And without a marriage ceremony, I am making a public declaration to you that I am committed to make this work. I know you are, too. Thanks for that.

"I, Holly. take you, Barkley..."

October 16, 2011

I can not believe I am doing this again. Yet, here I am training for a very intense 3 weeks to have a partnership with Barkley that hopefully will change my life as it did with Delsie. Delsie. Just typing out her name makes my heart palpitate and tears well up in my eyes. I knew it would be hard to leave her behind. I don't think I realized just how difficult to not be around her for 3 weeks. It's a physical ache when I remember her and even compare her to Barkley, my successor dog. What pressure- even the title of our partnership-success. Gulp. I already feel as if I have failed him. I refer to him as she, I've called him Delsie and even praised him as a good girl. Oh boy- poor guy. It's not fair. My heart is with Delsie. My thoughts focused on how she is doing rather than concentrating on how I could make my new partnership with Barkley a success. Delsie knows my every move just as I know hers. Barkley is adorable. But a stranger. He has no clue how to help me and I have no idea what motivates him.
I am so fearful that I won't bond with Barkley as I did with Delsie and because of this, always compare him to my pretty girl. Are my expectations to high? I have known him for two days and her for 10 years. Of which, she has never left my side. I want that back. And probably bigger than that, I would like to be 10 years younger and 10 years earlier in my disability...looking back doesn't get me anywhere.. I have to trust that eventually my heart will catch up with my head. Barkley is one handsome dude. On his looks alone, I need to fight to make our partnership a success. Reality is that I am 10 years older and my disability has progressed 10 years but it is a new chapter in my life. A clean slate. A fresh start. I owe myself that and certainly Barkley.
So that would be a good start- a goal to accomplish- the challenge would be to not compare him with her. To be open to Barkley and his silly quirks, his awesome skills and figure out his favorite toy. He deserves that.
Thanks for your patience, Barkley. I am determined to make our partnership a success.